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 First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths

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Jyo
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PostSubject: First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths   Tue Mar 17, 2009 7:42 am

Well, i've been working on a short story for no reason, just for my pure entertainment i guess. I have written over 2,000 words so far and my first paragraph is completely done, except the last sentence or two may need some work in the final proofreading, but here is just a sneak preview of how the story will be written:






By now silence has
filled all of the gaps in the household down to every last corner. Even an
occasional plane speeding over the household cannot penetrate the sound proof
structure of the building where the man slept on his futon. Many people would
expect the house to be in excellent condition based upon the man’s ostentatious
dressing, but the place was rather intolerable to even those below his class.
Beer bottles were noticeable throughout the room where the unconscious man
remained dormant on his sofa. The man had a beer bottle in one hand and a
cigarette in the other, casually dangling from his fingertips. He was laying
rather awkwardly in almost a fetal position. Despite his horrendous posture, he
looked rather peaceful, as if he were dreaming in a world where dreams are
unheard of. He could have most likely stayed in this position all day, if it
wasn’t for his boisterous alarm cam that hovered over him with his eyes gently
peeling open. The impervious yet translucent screen that floated above him in midst
air spoke to him in a monotone voice, “Hello Rick, it is eight in the morning.
Time to wake up.” Despite the vexatious sound of the alarm, the man remained in
the same position and gazed away from the couch. His eyes were fixed on the
white, cylinder centerpiece in the middle of the main hall that blocked his
view of the front door. He had stared at the luminous pillar to the point that
he could not even hear a scintilla of the alarm cam. The sound waves traveled
through one ear and swiftly dispersed out of the other, withdrawing their will
to enter the brain. He slowly tweaked his eyes to the left just enough to
return out of his illusive state. The gate to his brain had suddenly and
unexpectedly opened, and the irksome screech of the alarm cam flooded his
brain. The sudden burst of sound instinctively jolted the man from head to toe.
After a few seconds, he returned to his previous position, still gripping his
beer bottle and cigarette with both of his index and middle fingers. He then
slowly cocked his head upwards so that he was facing directly towards the alarm
cam, and finally found enough strength to raise his dangling arm to deactivate
the alarm cam.
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BN
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PostSubject: Re: First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths   Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:39 pm

This reminds me of Shakespeares' work: it's hard to understand what's going on, yet everyone knows it's powerful and very well written. Smile Keep up the good work.
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PostSubject: Re: First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths   Tue Mar 17, 2009 4:10 pm

Hmm well I understood every word. I'm just not quite sure where the story is going. It's very "in detail" but I do like it. I guess I'll just keep reading to see what happens next ^^
Oh, by the way - Good Job Very Happy
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Jedlm
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PostSubject: Re: First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths   Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:59 pm

Really (long) nice paragraph. But, I would never write for entertainment myself
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Jyo
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PostSubject: Re: First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths   Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:35 pm

Lol, not even for entertainment purposes, just to show some of my writing abilities.
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Huskershusker
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PostSubject: Re: First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths   Sat Mar 21, 2009 6:08 pm

Really nice, I'll be surprised if I see some more of it. (I usually don't check out much stuff.) I hope I do, because that was neat writing.
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10art1
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PostSubject: Re: First Paragraph: Lie of the Moths   Fri Apr 10, 2009 5:41 pm

sounds like its scary, yet happy
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