Alyssa The Universe Mask
Number of posts : 723 Age : 25 Username Title : The Musically Gifted Points : Warnings : Strikes : Contribution to the Site : Extra Ranks : User of the week : Registration date : 2008-12-03
| Subject: The life of a slave girl Wed Feb 25, 2009 5:42 pm | |
| 1843
Dear Diary,
Strangers came to my village. I did not know them well. They dressed strange, their skin was pale, and they were forcing people onto a strange object. It was big and it had huge cloths that the wind blew to make the object move across the water. My village gathered around to watch. The strangers took people separating them from their families. Then they forced me into somewhere I have not seen or been to before. They chained me against a little girl. She looked only five years old.
“Momma!” she cried. “Don't let them take me!” But her momma couldn't here. We were gliding across the ocean.
Maykao
Last edited by alyrox2009 on Sat Feb 28, 2009 7:55 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
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Stackman Yellow Swordsmaster
Number of posts : 1223 Age : 27 Username Title : Mr. Stack the master of all that is bloony Points : Warnings : Strikes : Contribution to the Site : Extra Ranks : User of the week : Registration date : 2008-09-26
| Subject: Re: The life of a slave girl Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:13 pm | |
| Not bad, but I would say have a more what you say 'grabbing' openning. It was decent, but I would just start with a more grabbing opening. Nice idea though | |
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Ekat Pink Bender
Number of posts : 716 Age : 28 Points : Warnings : Strikes : Contribution to the Site : Extra Ranks : User of the week : Registration date : 2008-10-12
| Subject: Re: The life of a slave girl Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:24 pm | |
| Not bad. You're 10? Kinda easy. Give more details | |
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Bloonerators Red Monkey
Number of posts : 228 Age : 33 Points : Warnings : Strikes : Contribution to the Site : Extra Ranks : User of the week : Registration date : 2008-12-05
| Subject: Re: The life of a slave girl Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:59 pm | |
| Bad, i'm sorry to have to say. | |
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| Subject: Re: The life of a slave girl | |
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